Countertransference in coaching
On what arises between two people.
“Depending on which strings the person opposite me sets ringing …”
With some people we are entirely ourselves, calm and open. With others we become uncertain, irritable or noticeably quiet. Sometimes we are even surprisingly enthusiastic, full of ideas and energy. And often we cannot say exactly why.
Something in the encounter touches us.
This happens in my work too. The person sitting across from me brings not only their story and their questions. They also encounter me, and that encounter sets something off. I can suddenly feel particularly responsible, sense impatience, or want very much to understand and support someone. But sometimes I also become uncertain, feel held at a distance, or notice an unusual impulse to explain a great deal.
Reactions like these can have something to do with me. But they can also say something about the working relationship that is forming between us.
What countertransference means
In psychology the term countertransference is used for part of what happens here. It refers to the feelings, thoughts and impulses that arise in the person accompanying someone. They are neither “right” nor “wrong”, nor an automatic message about how the other person “really is”.
They become interesting where you notice them and ask yourself: what is happening between us right now, and what in me is being touched by it? Could there be something in it that matters for the person opposite me as well?
Sometimes someone reminds me of an experience from my own life. Another time a pattern forms in the relationship that the person knows from other relationships too, or they invite me unconsciously into a particular role: the rescuer, the judge or the one who knows everything.
When there is nothing to interpret
The other direction matters just as much: not every reaction has to be interpreted. Sometimes the chemistry is not right. Sometimes I am simply having a bad day myself.
What that means for my work
Countertransference therefore does not mean reading as much as possible into an encounter. It is more a careful form of self-observation: noticing what is happening in me without turning it into a judgement about the other person.
For me there is a particular possibility in that: not only talking about what someone experiences, but occasionally also noticing what arises between two people.
We become different versions of ourselves through the person opposite us. And sometimes it is worth listening to those strings a little.